Am I A "No" Mom?

Being a 5 year old boy, EJ is already starting to hone his bargaining and persuading skills. He is quite clear about what he wants, and is very good at expressing it (luckily he's not the type to always ask for toys, this is more on food and permission to do things).

And this is also when I started to realize that I am becoming a "no" mom.

I don't even know if there is such a term, but it's pretty self explanatory -- my default setting is "no", unless proven beneficial otherwise. My default dialogue is "don't do that", unless there is perfectly good reason to not to behave as expected. And I just realized these when EJ started telling me, "mommy why you don't let me do/eat <insert subject> all the time?"

I'm sorry baby. But first and foremost in my mind, I want what is best for you even if that's not what happens all the time. I do feel that I am too uptight sometimes, and I also have to remind myself that you are still a kid and will act as kids do -- maybe because sometimes you act like a grown up that I also forget you're not one.

It is hard for me to realize that my kid thinks I say "no" all the time. I feel like such a hindrance to his happiness (I wouldn't wanna do that THIS EARLY) and such a bad-mommy-cop on repeat. Then he starts churning our reasons that are ridiculously sensible that it renders me defenseless, plus he is perfecting the art of the puss-in-boots eyes -- which just comes naturally, me thinks. Add to that my stress and exhaustion from work, and you have an exasperated mother ready to throw in the towel just to stop the arguments.(read: Fine, I'll give you what you want because I'm too tired to argue.)

So yeah, I just say "Fine." And let him do/get what he wants. And more often than not, I suffer the consequences, like having to mop the floor after I let him play with water "a little bit" (duh, of course he's not gonna play just "a little bit".) I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just saying I also get tired of always arguing with a smart 5 year old. Am I a bad mom?

So now comes the time when, as a mother, you have to think of how to balance being a disciplinarian and being a mommy while keeping your sanity intact. And no two answers are the same, because most of the time, you just have to wing it. I'm trying but not always succeeding, it's always either too much discipline or too much heart. Sigh.

I'm sorry for being an uptight mommy, EJ.

I'm not old. I just grew up.

Sometimes, we have to shake things up so it can fall into place.

I have felt my poignant transition from being a yuppie with a kid to being a mother the moment I left the country. Being an only child, that was, I think, the biggest decision I had to make in my life, and for all intents and purposes, the hardest one too.

Freedom to decide and act on my choices was what I was lacking then. I was caged in a situation wherein I was dependent on someone for every aspect of my life because my child was still young and I didn't have a nanny. I was struggling to come to terms with not being able to move on my own, plus the fact that I was a fumbling first-time mother.

But then we moved to a safe country where there are regulated childcare services, and where I could bring my child literally anywhere using public transport, without fearing for our safety. This was it, I had my freedom -- no, not from my child or my responsibilities, but freedom from the limitations that repeatedly pulled me down as I tried to get back up.

I started to grow up and my mindset has changed. Before, I would often dwell on the few wants that I had and how I "had to" deprive myself of them. Now, my wants took the trunk (not just the backseat, lol), and my family's needs took the wheel not because I "had to", but because I wanted to. I had the freedom to do what I had to for my family, I can act on the choices made for my family, and yes, I can do it on my own. Maybe that was what I needed in the first place.

I honestly do not know if some people were surprised that I can actually manage to survive living far away from my parents and having to take care of my own family, but hey, yeah, I can. :)

I'm currently in a balancing act of juggling motherhood, homemaking and career. One always ends up a bit compromised, yes the homemaking part usually lol, but we are surviving the best way we can.

I also realized that maybe it's okay to do some things for myself too, and not feel guilty about it. So I'm starting to put a little more Ivah in my life brimming with EJ & Jon. And I'm excited about it.

I only grew old by a couple of years. But I grew up 10 times. :)

Too Blessed to Be Stressed!!!

We have been blessed, challenged and blessed over the past couple of weeks. Everything happened so fast and major decisions had to be made immediately that all we can do is pray we made the right ones. And I feel that we did, despite what other people might say.

I was blessed with a new job. However, this came with a challenge of searching for a new childcare for EJ, one which is nearer to my new office. I have exerted my best effort at sprinting through MRT stations, bus stops and walkways just to attempt to pick EJ up on or before their latest pickup time, but alas, it is impossible. Travelling a distance similar to Manila-Las Pinas in 30 minutes is not doable during rush hour, even in a cab. So then the frantic Internet search and phone inquiries for childcare services near my office area began, including a reprimand by EJ's childcare principal. She told me that if I would always be late for 30minutes, they cannot accommodate that on a daily basis, so it's either look for somebody to pick EJ up OR transfer him to another childcare, for our welfare. I understood their point. They didn't care if we could pay their late penalty because it wasn't about the money (even if it is SGD1 per minute late charge and that's P34 per minute, yes.). They cared about the families of the teachers who would be forced to stay late because of EJ, and more importantly, they cared about EJ who would always have to endure being left alone and picked up last, which has a negative impact on the child. And yes, despite running for dear life, I was late for 38 minutes and had to pay SGD38 or P1,292 that night as penalty. (Is there anybody who ain't filthy rich willing to pay for that every day? Hands up please.... No one? Thought so.)

It was next to impossible to book a childcare slot near business districts for obvious reasons -- because a lot of parents have done so already. Not only were the slots scarce, but their prices where sky high and I had to look for one which was along the route of our morning shuttle/premium bus. My anxiety was as high as the tuition fees and my hope was as low as our account balance. But lo and behold. A not so sky-high priced childcare, walkable along our morning bus route had 1 slot remaining for Nursery 2 level.

Apparently, impossible was NOTHING with God.

With EJ's August slot in the new childcare secured, it was back to the original problem -- who would pick EJ up for the remainder of July? Saturday afternoon, we made a plan. Saturday night, it was SOS to our folks in the Philippines. Monday afternoon, my superMom flew to Singapore, leaving her job, appointments, trainings, meetings behind. Mom and Dad decided that she would stay here for the remainder of July to take care of EJ. What did I just say? Impossible was NOTHING with God. And supportive parents.

Tears of joy, relief, thanksgiving, happiness, gratitude, blessedness.... Getting sick because of all the literal running around to pick EJ up while my body was still adjusting to new routines of waking up early and travelling a lot and worrying about everything else.... Feeling guilty knowing how much Mom was/is giving up just to be here for us (trust me, I KNOW!!!). Feeling even more guilty leaving Dad alone behind ( especially amidst the damn typhoons!!!). Bracing myself for a new slew of adjustments when Mom goes back to the Philippines. Name it, I'm feeling it right now. Oh, and I had my IELTS exams in the midst of coughing fits and stress. WOOT!!

Lord God, You have proven countless times that You are always On TIME and that everything has a reason. My only wish is that the people around us would have an open mind to understand what we are going through, without judging us based on the little that they (think they) know. May You also open their hearts so they may appreciate the struggles and effort that we put into our lives.

I'm still reeling from everything that's happening. Still haven't fully recovered physically. Preparing myself mentally. But still boils down to one thing:

I am too BLESSED to be STRESSED!

Still grateful,

Throwback Thursday: December 2013 Entries

Oh, these are SG experiences na.

Obsessed with the MRT.

Paki-explain. Labyu.

Ninang Nikka's Christmas conversation with EJ. May point cya, aminin mo! :D

EPIC Happy New Year bedtime conversation!

Throwback Thursday: November - December 2012

I still end up laughing while remembering how I this went down :D

 Oh yes, his woe-is-me look. Who could resist?

This also brings back the giggles in me. How I wish I had a video of this!

Wedding Rehearsal of Flowergirl Giahpot and her escort EJ.

Whatta face, EJ! Hahahahaha!

Love love love this shot of Kehz and EJ!

Follows instructions. Can't complain.

Thanks JW Weddings for the Anniv gift of EJ's tagged picture teehee! From Aaron and Jezi's wedding!

There's a new farmer in town....?

Throwback Thursday: December 2011

Okay, parang sayang nmn to post one screencap per entry noh? Sige, I'll post several per entry.


Here are some December 2011 entries:

Um this one below, I swear, I just took his picture and quickly grabbed him na. Hehehe!

For those of you who don't remember, this was the time when "Budoy" was showing in Primetime Bida in Abs-Cbn. Only, I don't know who Baday is. *gasps*

 He seriously thought he was hidden. Yes, he did. He even had his eyes closed and I think he was covering his ears too, and was surprised that I knew where he was.

Now I know why the master bath's doorknob eventually gave way.

Throwback Thursday Part 2!

Entry from November 22, 2011:

He was soo small and soo taba and looked like me! Now kasi Wowa said he's looking more and more like his Papa. Huhuhuhu..... :D