Open Letter to my Son

Dear EJ,

Maybe you're too young and wouldn't understand, but I'm hoping the people around us would. 

I'm sorry if mommy has been cranky lately. It's because mommy has been sick. 

Remember those five nights mommy wasn't with you? It's because mommy was in the hospital. And afterwards mommy won't play with you that much? It's because mommy was still weak. 

Mommy wanted to make up for it and has been staying up until morning for you because you don't want to sleep yet. But because of this, mommy got sick again. 

This time, it's contagious. 

Because you don't have a yaya, and wowa's out of town, mommy has no choice but to be around you even if the doctor told mommy to stay away from you because you might get sick.

It's hard to do chores while nursing a fever, but it's harder to deal with the fact -- and the guilt -- that in every cough, sneeze, even every breath mommy makes around you, mommy is making you susceptible to sickness. 

I'm sorry for being cranky, stern -- it's just hard to stretch mommy's patience when she's not feeling well.

I'm sorry for being distant -- it's not that mommy loves you any less, mommy just doesn't want you getting sick too. 

I'm sorry for being sick -- this is the last thing mommy wants to be. 

And thank you. For always making mommy smile with your antics no matter how sick mommy feels. 

But even if mommy's going through a tough time right now, one thing's for sure -- mommy would ratherget sick as long as it's not YOU.

Mommy loves you so much. 

Terrible Twos. Terrible Woes.

Motherhood is a damn tricky thing. And it officially starts at two. The kid is in the stage where he wants to explore everything without regard for consequences -- falls, bumps, slips, electricution and the like. It seems he is too young to understand the reasons for NOT doing something but is matured enough to be stubborn when he WANTS to do something.

It doesn't help that some people who may not even be related to you have this annoying habit of comparing.
"Ay, 2yrs old na bakit hndi pa nakaka-< insert whatever theirs can do that ours can't >".
Thereby making the mother (me) feel more inferior than I already do. Comparison among peers is normal and even welcome ONLY WHEN done not to undermine the capability of the toddler or his mother/guardian but simply as an information source. Unfortunately, the effects of comments illustrated above are adverse, affecting the mother primarily by adding to her already growing self-doubt by making her think, "oh no my kid is not developing normally. I'm not a good mom."

The act of disciplining toddlers is tricky as well. Modern concepts are against the use of slapping (it sounds so ominuous I admit) as a form of discipline. But now I understand the need for some to do that. Not in the face or upper torso, just small slaps of reprimand on the butt or arm or thigh. It has to be used sometimes when the kid doesn't listen however calm or angry your reprimands are. EJ is a perfect example. He has this type of tantrum where he doesn't just throw temper fits but he also absolutely refuses to listen to you. Or when he does look at you as you're scolding him, he laughs like you're playing with him and proceeds to do what he's not supposed to do. So as not to condone this action I gotta do something. But I end up as the antagonist. Surprise surprise.

When I reprimand him, simply block off his rough play in the middle of the night and he ends up hurting me, I'm still at fault because I "let" myself get hurt. In the same instance I tried to suppress him so he'd tame down and I won't get hurt (he cried of course), I'm still wrong because I was antagonizing him further. Great. Seems like whatever I do is not appropriate (a.k.a. wrong). It does wonders for my confidence as a mother.

But motherhood is not all about sleepless nights, low EQ, low confidence and always being wrong. I have countless priceless moments with my son -- his smile, his kisses, his laugh, his dance, his songs, his gregariousness, his intelligence. All these I'm cherishing and relishing despite the low moments scattered in between. It just so happened that I'm writing this in the midst of one of my low moments. But I can honestly say I love being a mom. I chose it over my career, and I still do.

I just... I just hope that despite how inferior I feel, despite how many (many many) times I fall short of others' expectations as a mother... I just hope EJ would eventually be proud to call me his mom when he grows up.