Am I A "No" Mom?

Being a 5 year old boy, EJ is already starting to hone his bargaining and persuading skills. He is quite clear about what he wants, and is very good at expressing it (luckily he's not the type to always ask for toys, this is more on food and permission to do things).

And this is also when I started to realize that I am becoming a "no" mom.

I don't even know if there is such a term, but it's pretty self explanatory -- my default setting is "no", unless proven beneficial otherwise. My default dialogue is "don't do that", unless there is perfectly good reason to not to behave as expected. And I just realized these when EJ started telling me, "mommy why you don't let me do/eat <insert subject> all the time?"

I'm sorry baby. But first and foremost in my mind, I want what is best for you even if that's not what happens all the time. I do feel that I am too uptight sometimes, and I also have to remind myself that you are still a kid and will act as kids do -- maybe because sometimes you act like a grown up that I also forget you're not one.

It is hard for me to realize that my kid thinks I say "no" all the time. I feel like such a hindrance to his happiness (I wouldn't wanna do that THIS EARLY) and such a bad-mommy-cop on repeat. Then he starts churning our reasons that are ridiculously sensible that it renders me defenseless, plus he is perfecting the art of the puss-in-boots eyes -- which just comes naturally, me thinks. Add to that my stress and exhaustion from work, and you have an exasperated mother ready to throw in the towel just to stop the arguments.(read: Fine, I'll give you what you want because I'm too tired to argue.)

So yeah, I just say "Fine." And let him do/get what he wants. And more often than not, I suffer the consequences, like having to mop the floor after I let him play with water "a little bit" (duh, of course he's not gonna play just "a little bit".) I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm just saying I also get tired of always arguing with a smart 5 year old. Am I a bad mom?

So now comes the time when, as a mother, you have to think of how to balance being a disciplinarian and being a mommy while keeping your sanity intact. And no two answers are the same, because most of the time, you just have to wing it. I'm trying but not always succeeding, it's always either too much discipline or too much heart. Sigh.

I'm sorry for being an uptight mommy, EJ.

I'm not old. I just grew up.

Sometimes, we have to shake things up so it can fall into place.

I have felt my poignant transition from being a yuppie with a kid to being a mother the moment I left the country. Being an only child, that was, I think, the biggest decision I had to make in my life, and for all intents and purposes, the hardest one too.

Freedom to decide and act on my choices was what I was lacking then. I was caged in a situation wherein I was dependent on someone for every aspect of my life because my child was still young and I didn't have a nanny. I was struggling to come to terms with not being able to move on my own, plus the fact that I was a fumbling first-time mother.

But then we moved to a safe country where there are regulated childcare services, and where I could bring my child literally anywhere using public transport, without fearing for our safety. This was it, I had my freedom -- no, not from my child or my responsibilities, but freedom from the limitations that repeatedly pulled me down as I tried to get back up.

I started to grow up and my mindset has changed. Before, I would often dwell on the few wants that I had and how I "had to" deprive myself of them. Now, my wants took the trunk (not just the backseat, lol), and my family's needs took the wheel not because I "had to", but because I wanted to. I had the freedom to do what I had to for my family, I can act on the choices made for my family, and yes, I can do it on my own. Maybe that was what I needed in the first place.

I honestly do not know if some people were surprised that I can actually manage to survive living far away from my parents and having to take care of my own family, but hey, yeah, I can. :)

I'm currently in a balancing act of juggling motherhood, homemaking and career. One always ends up a bit compromised, yes the homemaking part usually lol, but we are surviving the best way we can.

I also realized that maybe it's okay to do some things for myself too, and not feel guilty about it. So I'm starting to put a little more Ivah in my life brimming with EJ & Jon. And I'm excited about it.

I only grew old by a couple of years. But I grew up 10 times. :)